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[MUSIC]

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Welcome to Marriage Coach 444 No BS with Francis Peca.

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Over the next hour, you're going to learn what it really takes to work towards dumping average

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and gutting the amazing marriage and life you dream of.

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No eggshells being walked on here.

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This is as authentic as it gets.

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Now, here is Francis.

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[MUSIC]

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Thank you for joining Marriage Coach 444 No BS with myself, Francis Peca.

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As I mentioned in our last episode, I discussed a little bit about myself and I want to get moving

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forward to helping you achieve the marriage of your dreams.

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As I mentioned, my wife and I have a company called A Growing Space.

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You can always reach us at our website at www.agrowingspace.com.

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You can check us out on Instagram at No BS Marriage Coach.

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And you can also always call at 623202553 with any questions,

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any suggestions, things to talk about in the future.

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More than willing to do that.

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I'm super excited to get started today on our second episode.

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I've talked a lot about myself on the first episode and what I believe were monumental moments in my life

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to get us, to really help me propel myself to a different future.

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I shared with them those monumental moments that I saw that really were those aha moments.

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And those moments that if you're paying attention in life, you really can

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recognize those times that it's kind of like the universe is talking to you.

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It's like, hey, this is something you should pay attention to.

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This is something that you should apply for the rest of your life.

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And I had a few of those, so I have them all the time, but I had some big ones throughout my life.

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And I shared those with you in our first session.

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And I'm really excited to get started again today with our next

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and talk about a lot what I think it takes to have the marriage of your dreams.

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And the life of your dreams.

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And you have to be working on yourself and your partner has to work on themself

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on their selves and then you work together and you can get everything you dreamed of.

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And so I'll recap. I'm going to recap a little bit about the principle parts of what I spoke about.

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So as I went through my life, those monumental moments that I'm talking about,

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I want to kind of recap them.

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So for everyone who's following along can either take notes or make note at least in their mind

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as to these principles that I've learned along the way.

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The first thing that I talked about was that the world has good and bad.

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And I spoke about that as I was a little second grader.

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And you come to the realization in life that there's good people and there's bad people.

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And that's okay, that's life.

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And you know, you go through life, you know, you start off

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and potentially thinking everything is wonderful and everyone is wonderful.

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You finally get to the realization that that's not how the world works.

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There's great people and there's people that are not great and that's okay.

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And you know, I would have really learned from that.

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And I really encourage you to really take this in is, you know,

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we can look at politics on TV, whether it's your social media, everything politics,

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religion, things that are going on in this country wore everything.

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I mean, there's a lot going on.

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And then, you know, it's easy for us to get sucked into it, right?

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It's easy for us to get sucked into, you know, someone's doing something wrong.

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Those people are no good.

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There's no good.

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These politicians, you know, and get sucked into this mindset of different groups are not doing

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the right thing, different individuals are not doing the right thing.

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You know, there's a lot of bad people out there and we can get sucked into this mindset.

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It's a mindset that, you know, the world kind of sucks.

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And the truth of the matter is, it doesn't suck.

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It's just filled with a lot of people.

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And so when it's filled with, when you have a world with 9 billion people or close to it,

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you're going to have good and you're going to have bad.

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And that's just part of the deal.

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And if we get sucked into the mindset that this negativity, you know,

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I hear it all the time from people, all this country is falling apart.

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You know, no, I mean, this country's had plenty of times in the past where, you know, there were problems.

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There's also great things going on in our country where, I mean, there's good, there's bad.

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That's just what happens when you have a lot of people.

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You know, so we can get sucked into this negative mindset that things aren't the way they used to be.

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You know, people aren't as good as they used to be.

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But the truth of the matter is, there's great people, there's bad people,

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and we're blessed to be where we are.

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And the truth of the matter is, we need to embrace that and focus on our own lives.

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You know, that doesn't mean you can't be informed and aware of what's going on or disappointed or excited

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when things go right or things go wrong, but we need to get our mind on the things that matter.

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We have to prioritize our life to what matters.

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And so I look and you think about a family.

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So if you're in a family and you have a spouse and you love your spouse and you have children

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and you love your children, either one or both.

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You whether you have children or don't, but the reality is you have a family.

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The reality is you need to focus on them.

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You need to focus on your partner.

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You need to focus on your children.

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You need to focus on the things that really matter in your life.

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Does that to say that politics don't matter, religious, it's not at all.

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There's many things that matter.

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But if you are an individual who's trying to become connected and have the life that you want,

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you're going to have to put a priority on your family.

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And that's just the reality of it.

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So don't get caught up in the world, in the world, in terms of negativity, bad energy.

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We need to put our energy in the right things that matter.

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And so if we can do that, we can start getting our minds centered around being the best

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individual and couple to get you to the pinnacle of where you want your life to go.

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And that will not happen if you have too much interference.

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If you're watching something and there's interference and you can barely see the show or barely

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hear the show and there's interference, it's going to disrupt you from actually understanding

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what's going on in the show.

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Okay, well that works that way in life as well.

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If we're in a situation where our focus is to have the marriage of our dreams,

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be the best amazing parent that we could be and really pursue our dreams and have that

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opportunity to go for it and accomplish everything you want, which is to be happy and connect it.

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With the people that matter, then we need to make sure that we're focused on it.

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Anybody in life who's been successful is focused on the things that they really want.

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So you look at people, think of anyone that has been super successful.

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You know, think of like a Michael Jordan.

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He's pretty focused on basketball and you know, it's the best ever play.

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I mean, that's what it comes down to, right?

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Is if you are focused on something.

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So if you're looking at your relationship with your partner and your family and it doesn't feel

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like it's where you want it to go, then we need to make sure it's a focus.

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And we cannot allow the world or the good or the bad that's in it to become a hyper focus

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in our mind and get us down in a place where we don't feel good anymore.

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I don't know how many people I've spoke to that are just down on people, down on the way the

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world works, the way things are going on in the country.

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And it's just an endless negative loop that gets in our minds.

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And then you ask, okay, what are you guys going to do this weekend?

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Oh, I don't know.

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And it's almost like it just pulls them in.

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This negative energy and they're not able to really focus on what really matters.

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I mean, you know, people want to have the life of the dream of, the marriage they dream of,

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but the only way to get that is to become focused, to become focused on what matters.

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So what I would really encourage you is, you know, is to really try and have some sort of filter

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in what's going on outside and know that your life and your life with your partner

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and your life with your children are a priority and they're the priority.

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And if you can get your mind understanding that, then that interference of what's going on in

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the world and the good people and the bad people become less intrusive to your focus on actually

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achieving your dream.

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And so that's the first principle I learned at a young age is to not, is to not allow the negativity

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to actually saturate your mind.

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And I really believe that that first principle that I learned at a young age and granted

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your young, you're not really thinking about these things.

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But if you, if those aha moments come, and then later in life, you can have them grow and build

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into something.

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And I think that that, I see that going on all the time is the interference.

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You know, don't let the interference get in the way.

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Wake up in the morning and be the best partner you can be.

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Be the best father, be the best mother.

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It's, it's really something that we have to focus on because it's very easy to get distracted

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and start seeing other things that are going on in the, in the world.

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You know, it could be, you know, the neighbor's problem is it could be your aunt's problem,

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your uncle's problems.

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You know, you have to get yourself focused on what matters in your life.

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And that's the people that that are important to you.

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And that's the first principle I learned at a young age and had developed as I've gotten older.

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And I really encourage you to make that a commitment going forward.

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It's about focus on the things that matter.

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And what matters are your partner and your children.

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And I believe that with all that I have, I tell people consistently that your number one priority

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should be your children and your partner.

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Your number two priority should be your children and your partner.

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Your number three should be your children and your partner and your number four should be your

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children and your partner.

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And when we get to number five, then do what you want to do.

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At that point, you can get yourself focused on working out.

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You can work on your career.

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You can work on your hobbies.

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I don't care. Go for it.

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Because now you have leeway.

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Because if number five, okay, which is something different.

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And you kind of mess up.

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And it bleeds into your priority number four, that's okay.

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Because you have a lot of leeway there, right?

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So you're still number one, number two, number three is your children and your partner.

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If you think like that, then a margin of error is acceptable for you, right?

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Because you have your children and your partner as your main priority.

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One, two, three, and four.

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And I really say that to a lot of people and I really think it resonates.

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And it really recalibrates the way your mind thinks.

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It's kind of like if you're saving and you want to get a new refrigerator.

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Well, if you have $20,000 in the bank, it really doesn't matter that the refrigerator costs a little more

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than you thought because it's not going to be 20 grand, at least not the refrigerator that I know about.

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So I think that, you know, the really big key is do not let the interference get in the way

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and make your priority, your children, your partner, and go for the marriage and family of your dreams.

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And it comes down with focus.

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And I learned that at a very young age.

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One thing I'm going to talk about shortly is also the second principle that I learned when I was

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being bullied is that you're going to fail and you're going to have to consistently execute.

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You're going to have to execute every single day.

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In order to become successful, you need to come in and you have to look at it as a daily challenge.

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It's not an exciting idea that hey, I'm going to get myself in shape.

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It's the New Year's, it's January and the gyms are all packed in January and then when you go

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in February, they're empty. And so the truth is it's a whim, right? It's exciting. The concept is

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wonderful. But really, what are we, what are we saying? We're saying we would love to get in shape

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and we're going to get in shape and let's go for it. And then after four weeks, what are we doing?

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We drop off. We drop off because we're not really looking at this as a way of life,

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as a way to focus and get yourself in a spot where you're truly going to accomplish your dream

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or whatever goal it is you have. And so if your goal is to have the relationship of your dreams,

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the life you want, then it can't be this concept of, yeah, I really want to go after it. Let's do that.

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And then three, four weeks later, oh yeah, well, we didn't do what you said or we didn't go out

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as on a date together, okay? We didn't compliment each other. We're not doing the principles. So in order

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to truly get your accomplishment, you have to wake up every single day with the idea that I am going

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to execute it today, today. And I'm going to do a great job today. And then on that boring Wednesday,

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it's not going to be boring. You make it a good Wednesday. You execute it on Thursday. You execute it

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on Friday. You execute it when it's cold out in dreary. You execute it. You have to look at this from

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the perspective that every day I have a purpose and it's to have the life, the marriage of my dreams

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and it's going to happen with consistency. Anybody who has ever been successful is willing to fail.

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That is without question. If you want to be successful, get ready to fail. And I tell people all the time,

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if you're going to start making these massive changes, you're going to start seeing excellent results.

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But the truth is these results are going to come, but you're also going to fail. So start getting

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ready to fail. We can't go in with the mindset that, hey, we're going to work really hard and we're

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going to do it. Yeah, you're going to work hard and you're going to do it, but you have to work hard

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knowing that failures on its way. And if you look at failure as an opportunity,

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there's no question that you will change the way you think. Failure is part of the deal. It's coming,

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but we're going to get back up. We're going to get back up. We're going to get back up. And we're

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going to fail. And we're going to get back up. And that's what's going to separate the people that

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win from the people that lose. So we're going to take a break and we're going to get back into

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that discussion about failing and getting back up. And of course, moving on to new topics. Again,

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this is Francis Peca from a growing space, www.agrowingspace.com, a marriage coach, 444, no BS,

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and we'll be back shortly.

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Voice America is on LinkedIn. Connect with us today. Marriage coach, 444, no BS is a dynamic,

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inspirational, no nonsense show with the objective to have the marriage of your dreams. Your host,

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Francis Peca, will use his life's findings on what he truly believes makes this reality. He will

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use old school beliefs and move that into today's world. Together, we will embrace all of our emotions

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to be 100% authentic and to feel free to feel again. Emotion, kindness, vulnerability,

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leadership, love, resilience is where we will travel to. We will not be here to walk on eggshells.

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We are here to grow, share, and get strong. Marriage coach, 444, no BS, hosted by Francis Peca,

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Opinions, options, answers, you're listening to Voice America Health and Wellness.

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Welcome back to Marriage Coach 444, no BS with Francis Peca. We hope you are enjoying and

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learning from today's dynamic episode. Now back to the show with Francis.

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Welcome back to Marriage Coach 444, no BS. Again, we have a company called

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a growingspace, www.agrowingspace.com. We're talking today about different principles to have you

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achieve your goals and have the marriage of your dreams. And I really believe that. I really do.

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I mean it with all my heart. You know, when I speak, I know I speak firmly. I speak firmly because I

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truly, truly believe with all my heart that this is the answer or at least an answer for many people

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to truly get the marriage of your dreams. You know, I don't know how many times

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when I'm in sessions, I find myself hearing up a little. I mean, I don't know if people see it,

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just a little watery. I just feel it. I just feel so passionate about, you know, combining that

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focus, drive, commitment to getting the goal of your dream, but then also doing it with such

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purpose and caring and warmth and love. And I feel like when you blend it to that warmth and caring

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along with, along with a focused drive to get your goal, I think you can just change the world.

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I feel like you could change your life. You can change just so much. It's just, I think it's incredible.

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You know, we were talking about failing and you know, that whole concept of failing.

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We learned at a pretty young age that failure doesn't feel good, right? You know, you think about

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any time, you know, you fail a test or you fail anything in life. How much that stings? I'll never

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forget when I was in grade school and I didn't study for a test and I was worried about it a little bit,

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I guess. And the teacher was saying all the grades, everybody's great, you know, 95, 82, 78,

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and you had to kind of know what order you were. And then there was a 42 in there. And I said,

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who got the 42? And the teacher looked at me and said, you did. And I'll never forget that. You

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know, I'm 51 years old and I think back when I was in grade school and I still remember how

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humiliating and embarrassing that was. But it also was because I didn't put the work in. So if you

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don't put the work in, that's what you get. But the whole concept of failing is just, it's not fun.

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And so I feel like what happens is as we get go through life, we're afraid to fail.

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We become so afraid to fail that we don't go for anything. It's like easier to just stay in a spot

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where you're, you know, you feel that you won't fail, but are you really going to succeed?

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So we really have to embrace the mindset of, of really embracing failure. And it's not that you're

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embracing failure with the idea that, yeah, I can't wait to fail. You know, this is what my life's

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going to look like. It's about embracing the concept that failure comes with the territory.

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And if you're willing to fail, an embrace failure as an opportunity to learn that is not so

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humiliating anymore. You know, it's not so shameful when you're okay to fail. And I don't mean okay to

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fail isn't you're not going to go for your dreams and go get it. It's the opposite. It's that along the

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process failure will happen. I'm not going to be, be a little embarrassed, you're human, but you're

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going to go in with the mindset that, you know what? You know what? Yeah, failure is coming. I'm

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going to fall off. And that's all right. I'm going to get back up. And I'm going to get back up

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again. And I'm going to get back up again. And I'm going to fail again. And I might fail more than

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anyone else. But the difference is if I'm going to fail and fail and fail even more than the most

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people, I will ultimately become super successful because the willingness is there to get back up.

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And that's the key is to get back up. I remember when my daughter, I was teaching her how to ride a

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bike. And she didn't she said, I don't, I hate this bike. I don't want the bike because she kept falling.

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And, and, and I remember, I'll never forget you just keep, you know what is when you're on a bike,

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you fall every second in the beginning because you don't have no idea how to do it. And then I remember

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she got to the point where it was like eight seconds or so. She was wobbling and she was able to do it.

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And then fell and she was so frustrated that she fell. But then I know there's that moment where you

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know that you kind of are on to something. It's that, wow, I think, I think it kind of got a little

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bit somewhere here. And then within a shortest period of time, another, I don't know, 20 minutes, 30 minutes,

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she's flying all over the place, loving her bike. And you know, that was just a little quick

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snip there. But the truth is that, you know, yeah, she could quit and just say, I might hate it, I'm not

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doing it. I'm like, no, you do love it. And we're going to keep doing it. You're going to enjoy it.

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And then within a short period of time, it's like, I haven't family bike rides. And that's because of,

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she was able to just keep going through it. And that's, that's another process, you know, that we

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must get to the idea of that, yeah, it's, it's going to happen. Failure is going to happen, but we

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have to absolutely continue to be consistent, dally and go for it. And that is the second principle I

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learned when I was being bullied, that there was no way I was going to be able to get to a place

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where I was a stickman, a little skinny stickman being bullied into somebody who can hold their own

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and not be bullied, be confident and strong and that it was going to take time. And what I always

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tell people is to break problems in parts. And I think this is why a lot of people, they're afraid of

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failure. That's a big piece of it, being afraid of failure and you have to embrace failure, just like

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I mentioned. But there's another piece also, I believe, which is you have to break a problem

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down in parts. You know, I do this also when I'll open with homework or anything in like break the problem

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down. You look at a big math problem, right? And it's like, oh my goodness, this is going to take forever

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to get this. I don't know. I can never do that. And it's like, well, what step one? Step one is not

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that bad. Okay, we got step one down. Move on to step two. Okay, you step one's answer. Let's go to

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step two. Then you have another answer. Let's go to three and let's go to four. Next thing you know,

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you have this complicated math problem that you thought you never could achieve. There's no way you

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could get that right. And now you're realizing, well, I can do this hard math. I can't believe it.

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At one point you looked at it as a task that is impossible. And now you're able to do this consistently

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because you're breaking a problem down in parts. You have to be willing to fail and practice until you

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get it right. And you have to have the mindset that you're going to break a problem down in parts.

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And that works the same way in marriages, the same exact way in marriages is if you have a marriage

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that's not working the way you want it to work, we're talking about specific principles, different

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ways to go about your marriage, to go about your life. It's not a one quick answer to fix it.

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Like, hey, if I just do this, it's done. No, it's there's parts. Break this down. Okay, are you embracing

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failure because if you're going to make these changes, are you embracing failure? Are you going to

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be consistent every single day? Are you going to get the loud the noise of the outside world to get

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in the way? See, these are parts. We're breaking this problem down in parts. So if you start doing these

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things one piece at a time, you're now going to get to a place where you're going to make major progress.

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And so that progress will come. So it's like, okay, I want to now have a marriage that's going to be

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incredible, but maybe it's not there right now for that person. So, okay, all right, are we going to do

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these parts? Are we going to actually stop allowing the noise? Because we all have noise, right?

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Noise is always out there, right? Somebody, your boss could be bothering you, the outside world,

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like I said, good people, bad people, politics, religion, we could go on forever. Okay,

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but the truth of the matter is, is we have to get rid of the noise. If we get rid of the noise,

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that's one little piece of the puzzle of breaking this problem down. Okay, are you going to execute

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every single day? So, okay, I'm focused on being the best partner every day, not just on the weekend,

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not just here and there, not when things are going right, not when money's gone right, not when

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I feel good, but am I going to be consistent? That's another part. So you're breaking this problem down,

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right? Okay, so as we go through different steps throughout the year, you just keep adding this

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to your arsenal to get to a place where if you're consistently doing these things and adding them

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and you're focused, then you're going to actually be able to start seeing massive progress,

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massive progress. You know, and another thing I learned along the way is I believe that you have to

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put a date on things. Now, I don't think you have to do it all the time and I don't think you have to

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do it necessarily with a relationship in the beginning, but I do believe that if you're doing all the

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things consistently every day, you're going to ultimately get your dream. But if you're finding yourself

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getting stuck where you're like, well, I think I'm doing this, I'm doing that and you're not really

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focused on it, then you might want to put a date on it. You want to say to yourself, you know what,

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I'm going to get all this accomplished within X amount of time. We're going to do a trip together

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by the summer. I'm going to make sure that every day I am giving compliments. Whatever

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you're doing, you want to start putting times down so that you're executing. I always tell people

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that just do all these things every single day and don't worry about when the result comes.

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And I still believe that, but you can put a date on the task. So for example, I didn't put a date

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on when I would be strong enough to not be bullied. I didn't put a date on it. I wouldn't

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encourage you to put a date on it. But I did say that I'm going to lift five additional pounds

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after I did five workouts at a particular weight every other day. So every 10 days, I am committed

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to going up five pounds. There were times I found that I couldn't go up five pounds. So then I said,

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okay, it's going to have to be six this time. But I'm on target to having a date in my mind is what I'm

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going to do. You'll fail. You have to get back up and it may make that timeline change, but you are

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focused on actually accomplishing things with your own deadlines. I think that really is helpful.

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And then recognizing that the actual end result is going to come when it comes. So I've really learned

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that, which has been a great help for me. It keeps me focused, keeps me going, keeps me doing the right

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things. If I don't do that, it's very easy to slip. And then you get into bad habits and then you're

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like, okay, it was going great for two, three months and whatever it is you're trying to accomplish.

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And then your mindset gets off due to these other factors that I talk about, noise, things in

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the way. And the next thing you know, you're back doing things the wrong way. So you have to maintain

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that level of focus. And I believe putting a date on it is very helpful.

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Another thing I want to talk about that I have really, really learned and believe. And I tell

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this to everyone. And when they do it, I see a major, major change is I call it absolute terms.

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And what do I mean by absolute terms? When you make a statement that is good as gold, it is, it is a

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fact. So I am going to have the marriage of my dreams with X person, this person that you that you

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love, your partner, your husband, your wife, okay, your partner. I am going to have it. Period. It's

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going to happen. Or, you know, I'm going to be the best dad in the world. I am going to be the best person

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that I can be. Or if it's your career, you know, I am going to be able to be unbelievable in this

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profession. And I will be able to hit this goal. Maybe you have a financial goal or a certain goal in

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mind. You have to proclaim it. You know, when I, I for years couldn't move across country until I

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said, I am moving by the end of 2005. Period. It was just belligerence. I'm going to do it. And I

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really encourage you to take on the mindset of absolute terms. Go in with the idea that I'm going to do

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this. Period. Whatever it is, I'm going to have the career that I want. I'm going to have the position

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that I want within that company. If not, I'm going to do this instead, which is going to be, you know,

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the same position in another company. If they're not going to, whatever it is, but you have a goal,

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you have to go get it. And you have to go in with the mindset of starting to communicate facts.

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Like it's happening. It's absolutely happening. It's, there's nothing, there's going to be things

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I get in a way, but we're going to make it happen. And once I start hearing people talk like that,

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it changes. Everything starts changing. And people tell me, no, I am going to get a job

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within three months, or I'm going to do this 100% is going to happen. I am going to be complimenting

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my wife consistently every, you know, X amount of times a week. And I'm going to do it. I'm going to

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accomplish this goal. I am going to get in shape. I'm going to start my own business.

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It needs to be said as a fact. You know, one of the things I've learned is once you start

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negotiating with, yeah, good, there's a good chance that, very good chance. I'm, I'm going to be

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able to be successful in this business. You're not going to be successful in this business. I believe

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that once, whatever it is you want in life, you have to flat out say it's happening. Okay,

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so if you want to have the, the marriage of your dreams, you have to say we're going to have it.

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We're going to have the dream. You want to own a business? You have to say, I own the business,

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we're going to make it happen. It's going to be incredible. If you want to, you know, do anything in

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life, you have to go out as it's a fact. It is extremely, extremely important to proclaim things

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as facts and I'll tell you it's a scary thing to do and it's, it's funny. It sounds so simple, right?

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Oh yeah, sure. I can do that. Come out there and say absolute terms. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to do that.

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But you know, it's almost like it's scary though because once you go out publicly and just say it,

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you know, to yourself, to others and you're just flat out making it a fact, you now have the

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obligation to get it, right? Because you're coming out there saying it's a fact. So now that puts

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the pressure on you to truly go after your dream, your, what you proclaimed you're going to get,

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you have to go get it now because you're coming out there and putting that on the line. And that's

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a good thing to have that on the line. So, you know, it's very easy to negotiate us too. Yeah,

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there's a good chance. Why don't see why not? All those words, but they're noise. You got to get in

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there and say, I'm going to do it and I highly encourage whatever it is you want in life, your

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marriage, you go get it. Go after it and proclaim it as fact and do not negotiate. We'll be

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get back. We're going to talk more about different principles that I've learned that I know can help

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so many people accomplish their goals and their dreams. Again, this is marriage coach 4444. No BS. I'm

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Francis Paker and we'll be back soon.

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Your life, your health, your network, your listening to Voice America Health and Wellness.

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Welcome back to Marriage Coach 444-0BS with Francis Paik. We hope you are enjoying and learning from

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today's dynamic episode. Now back to the show with Francis.

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Welcome back to Marriage Coach 444-0BS with myself, Francis Paik. Again, we own a company, a

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growing space, www.agrowingspace.com. We are back and I want to talk to you today a little bit more about

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the absolute terms. Make it a commitment. Make it a full commitment to

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state that you're going to accomplish what you're going to accomplish. I have seen so many people

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that when they flat out say I'm doing this, they do it. But when they negotiate, they don't.

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And so I really, really encourage you. I shouldn't even say encourage, right? Just let's do it.

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Flat out make the commitment to go get it. It is something that is seem so simple.

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But what I've learned in my life that a lot of the things that just seem so simple is the gold.

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It's like we're always looking for these exciting new ways to do something, right?

408
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Oh, it's like we're all trying to become geniuses on a topic, right? It's like how do you lose weight?

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or how do you gain muscles? Or how do you have this? How do you have that? How do you achieve

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all these different things? And the truth is you have to go for it, right? You have to go for it.

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And you have to make sure it's in your DNA to go for it. And so that is really an important thing

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for us to truly, to really focus on. But one thing I want to talk about today also is the one

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central route that I believe that you have to do. And that's to care. And that is to care.

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I believe that caring is the key. I feel it is the, it's like splitting the atom is to truly,

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truly care. I feel that we learn at a very young age, the power that we perceive of not caring.

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It's kind of like you're young, maybe you're in high school and you care and you're in a little

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relationship, maybe you're 12th grade, you're girlfriend or boyfriend and things are good. And then

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on the sudden it's like this little idea that if I kind of act indifferent, it kind of gives me

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power, right? It's kind of like, well, hey, do you want to go out this weekend? Well, maybe for the

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first three months and four or five months, it's all exciting. Sure, I can't wait. But then somewhere

421
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along the line, it's like we learn that there's some power in in difference. Like yeah, sure we can go

422
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out. It almost gives you the upper hand, right? Like the idea that hey, I, I'm not as into it as you.

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And it almost like gives you like this power that if you don't care or you act indifferent to things,

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that you're the one in control, that you're the one that actually has the power. But the truth of

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the matter is it's destructive. It's the, it is, it is the worst thing you ever, I believe, can do is be

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indifferent. Indifference does not give you power. It is just beginning the process to have a

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relationship that is flat, non-connective and flat out to me depressing. How are you going to actually

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have the marriage of your dreams if we're using indifference as power? And I believe we learn that at a

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very young age. I believe we learn at a young age that if you act like you don't care about something,

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it protects yourself, right? If I don't care, I can't get hurt, right? Say, hey, you know, hey, we break up,

431
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we break up. What are you going to do? It is what it is. Well, it is what it is. If you love that person,

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it is what you don't want, right? It's something you don't want. And so if you really want to go for your

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dreams, there's no way I can see how you would accomplish that through indifference. And I believe

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that we think that there's some sort of power of we're protecting ourselves for sure in this indifference,

435
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but there's just no way you're going to accomplish your dreams. There's just no way you're going to

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accomplish your dreams through not caring. And so I believe one of the biggest things you ever can do

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is care is care. Show your children you care. Show your spouse you care. On a Thursday night when

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you're on your phone and you look indifferent, put the phone down and show you care. They matter.

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Indifference is like I feel like in my mind, it feels like a drug. It's like this drug of indifference to

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the protect yourself, make yourself feel safe, make yourself have some power. And I believe it's

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though it is literally the the worst thing you can do. It's the worst thing you can do. You don't

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gain power by acting as if you don't care. You're not cool because you don't care. Okay? You're not

443
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going to achieve your dream marriage by acting like you don't care. How are you going to feel good

444
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in general if you don't care? Like think about this, right? How are you going to go through life

445
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indifferent? And that's going to make you come out waking up in the morning excited. Like hey,

446
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you know what? How's your day? Well, I don't care. Oh, but I'm so excited that I don't care.

447
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It does I've never seen it. And if someone's you know feels differently, maybe it's maybe it's out

448
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there, but I never see it. I never see it that somebody is indifferent about something and it's the

449
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time of their life. You know, hey, are you excited about that trip? You guys are going on? Yeah,

450
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I guess so. Yeah, that'd be fine. Yeah, that's going to be the trip of your dreams. I don't think so.

451
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Okay? You know, anything. How are you going to go to work today? You're going to go for that

452
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promotion? Yeah, I think I might put my shot in there. I don't know. Well, yeah, I think so.

453
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Probably not getting a job. You're not going to feel good in life with indifference.

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It may you may you feel that it's protecting you, but is it really protecting you? What is it

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doing for you by not caring? Okay? What it's basically doing is sending out to the universe that,

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you know, I don't care. So I don't really deserve it. And I'm probably not going to get it. So therefore,

457
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I don't get to be successful. Okay? So I don't you know, caring matters. And I do not see how you would

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feel good about not caring. Self-esteem. I do not know how you could go through life or your

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marriage, your relationship with your children, your career, any goals that you have in life. And if

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you don't care, or at least you start, even if you do care and you proceed and you come off like

461
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you don't care, it's like your little protective mechanism. How is that going to make you feel good

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about yourself? Like I don't know how you in any way, by acting indifferent or that you don't care

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that you are going to feel good. The self-esteem is going to be high. I feel great about myself.

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I don't really care if I if anything goes well. I don't really care about relationship. I don't

465
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really care about our trips. I don't really care about working out. I don't like care about anything

466
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but I feel great about myself. I don't see it. So the whole idea of not caring, yeah, I'm not feeling

467
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it and I don't believe it works. I don't believe it works for self-esteem in any way. I don't believe

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00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:36,000
anyone is really accomplished great things from not caring. Correct me if I'm wrong but tell me

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somebody who has achieved greatness in anything they've wanted by not caring. Okay? Anyone in this

470
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world? I don't care. Great presidents, great sports players, anyone in life doesn't matter. What

471
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it ever is that you're trying to accomplish if you're great at what you do, it's probably because

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you care. I mean, you know, someone could say, well, no, this person doesn't care and I just have

473
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this talent. Maybe, but I can only imagine how great they'd be if they cared. So generally speaking,

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you want to achieve things in life and you want to accomplish great things and your marriage

475
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of your dreams is one of those things you want to accomplish or the thing you want to accomplish

476
00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:22,960
then you need to care. I don't know anyone who's had a great connected relationship from being indifferent.

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And then I always believe, what does it teach your children about life and relationships if you

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come off that you don't care? If your children are watching you and they see you seem so indifferent

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towards your partner, think about what that must be like. Do it be a child who really, really is

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young, happy about their family and then all of a sudden they start seeing indifference.

481
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Oh, that's always on his phone. Oh, mom's always on his phone. They don't really talk to each other.

482
00:45:52,560 --> 00:45:56,880
They seem like they don't get excited about hanging out anymore. Oh, we're going on that trip.

483
00:45:56,880 --> 00:46:01,040
They used to get so excited. They don't seem like that big a deal anymore. I guess we'll go,

484
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think about what that teach your children to have no passion to be indifferent.

485
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:12,000
I mean, I, you know, I'm not an expert on this particular topic, but I can't imagine how that would

486
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be good for your mind. I can't imagine how that would be good for your mind. To me, it would be

487
00:46:20,160 --> 00:46:29,040
extremely depressing to be around, to be young and then looking at adults and your people that

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you look up to, your parents and they just don't really care. What's it really matter? Yeah, I

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will tell you I don't think that there's any value in that and in excitement, right? People

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want excitement and that's another thing, right? We want excitement in our lives, right? Right?

491
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Right. People want their, with their partner, they want great intimacy, great sex. They want to have,

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you know, great vacations. They want to laugh together, right? They want to have dreams together,

493
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right? They want to feel connected. They want to feel heard. They want to feel all this excitement

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and goodness and connection in life. How would that ever happen from being indifferent?

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It's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. So, you know, in a world where a lot of people

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don't seem to be connected and really have a cause, my recommendation is you start putting

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the work in to care. Put the energy in and you'll start seeing the results

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that you're going to have. One thing, the last thing I would like to talk about is what I call

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the triangle theory. And I'll get into the cause benefit analysis next at our next episode,

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but I want to talk about what I call is my little triangle theory. And really the way I look at it

501
00:47:57,280 --> 00:48:06,880
is this. If you think about a triangle, right, like a pyramid, where's the greatest area at the bottom,

502
00:48:06,880 --> 00:48:14,320
right? So at the bottom of the triangle, you have the greatest area. And as you move up,

503
00:48:14,320 --> 00:48:19,840
the triangle, the area gets smaller, right? Because it's coming to a point, right? So once you get

504
00:48:19,840 --> 00:48:26,320
to the top, I mean, you have the smallest amount of area, okay? And so think, think of it like this.

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If you're on the bottom of the triangle and there's a lot of area, think of that as people,

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think of that as human beings. If you're at the bottom of the triangle and your Joe average

507
00:48:38,960 --> 00:48:47,440
and you're married to Jane average, well, let's say Joe average cheats, doing drugs,

508
00:48:47,440 --> 00:48:55,360
doesn't really care, doesn't really work on consistency every day. So they're not reliable.

509
00:48:56,320 --> 00:49:01,920
Okay, they're not making any proclamations about they're going to get there and be focused to get

510
00:49:01,920 --> 00:49:06,640
there. They're not willing to fail the things that we're talking about. We're not doing any of that,

511
00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:11,360
right? And that's, that's throw some, some poor ethics in there, right? So they're not loyal.

512
00:49:11,360 --> 00:49:17,920
There, there, there's maybe there's infidelity, um, in difference, everything, right? So you've got

513
00:49:17,920 --> 00:49:23,360
Joe average married to Jane average. What do you think is going to happen if they break up?

514
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How hard is it to replace Joe and Jane average if either one of them broke up with another person?

515
00:49:30,480 --> 00:49:39,280
It's easy, right? If you're mediocre, it's easy to find mediocre, right? Think about it. If you're just

516
00:49:39,280 --> 00:49:44,960
an average, you're not doing things in any special way, then what do you think is going to happen

517
00:49:44,960 --> 00:49:48,640
when you break up? You're going to, you're going to move on to somebody else, the same deal, right?

518
00:49:48,640 --> 00:49:54,080
You're not moving, elevating your life. They're not elevating their life. So it's easy to replace.

519
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But when you move up to charge, right? You start caring, you start being consistent,

520
00:49:58,560 --> 00:50:04,240
you're, you're focused every day. You put, you put an emphasis on your life.

521
00:50:04,240 --> 00:50:12,160
You, you proclaim, you have absolute terms. Um, like I said, you care, you're willing to fail,

522
00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:16,720
and you're moving up the ladder. You're moving up to good. Then you're moving up to great. Then

523
00:50:16,720 --> 00:50:22,640
you get to the top of the triangle and you're a special person, right? Now you've, you've done

524
00:50:22,640 --> 00:50:29,120
all the work that a lot of people aren't willing to do. So you're moving yourself up the ranks in life

525
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:34,880
to a whole nother level. So what I, I tell a lot of people is when they think, well, well, we're not really,

526
00:50:34,880 --> 00:50:41,120
we're not really working together anymore, we're growing apart. It's not as exciting as it used to be.

527
00:50:41,120 --> 00:50:47,120
We don't feel connected. Intimacy is not good anymore. All this stuff, right? A family doesn't feel good.

528
00:50:47,120 --> 00:50:52,080
And I say, you know, a lot of times it's like, well, you love that person. Oh, absolutely. They love

529
00:50:52,080 --> 00:50:56,960
each other. Okay, people love each other. And it's a, but is it really about finding someone new?

530
00:50:56,960 --> 00:51:01,920
And most of the time I find it's not, there's nothing to do with finding someone new. It's not that they

531
00:51:01,920 --> 00:51:08,080
grew apart. It's that they're not willing to do the work. So what I say is that if you take two people

532
00:51:08,080 --> 00:51:12,400
that truly do love each other and they want to have the marriage of their dreams and they start

533
00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:19,040
doing all the principles in life to grow as a human being and they move up that triangle as a couple.

534
00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:25,040
Then they're going to find that there are two people that are very special and unique together.

535
00:51:25,040 --> 00:51:31,760
And now replacing each other is not going to be easy. You're not going to be able to find someone who's

536
00:51:31,760 --> 00:51:37,280
willing to work that hard and move up the ladder and your partner's done the same thing to move up that

537
00:51:37,280 --> 00:51:42,480
ladder. And now there's no way you're going to want to, you would want to end that relationship

538
00:51:42,480 --> 00:51:49,760
because replacing it would be absolutely extremely difficult to do. So I look at life from a

539
00:51:49,760 --> 00:51:54,720
triangle theory perspective that if you move up the ladder and you do that with your partner,

540
00:51:54,720 --> 00:52:01,200
you become an irreplaceable partnership, something that is extremely special. And I had someone

541
00:52:01,200 --> 00:52:06,160
tell me as well is like, don't forget to add the point is that it's attractive as well. And that is

542
00:52:06,160 --> 00:52:11,840
so true. If you're moving up the ladder in life, it's recognized that you're growing. You're becoming

543
00:52:11,840 --> 00:52:18,160
a better person. You're doing all the things to be a better partner. It becomes much more attractive.

544
00:52:18,160 --> 00:52:23,680
And so I really believed who embraced that whole mindset, a really mindset. I really do.

545
00:52:23,680 --> 00:52:31,680
Thank you so much today for joining me at Marriage Coach 44-04-NO-B-S. Again, I'm Francis Peca. I love

546
00:52:31,680 --> 00:52:36,960
what I do. I love to help people. I love the whole concept of going for your dreams and then making

547
00:52:36,960 --> 00:52:41,680
it actually happen with these principles and any other principles that you may have. But thank you

548
00:52:41,680 --> 00:52:49,920
again. Again, we own a company, my wife and I, my soulmate and I, a growing space at www.aggrowingspace.com.

549
00:52:49,920 --> 00:52:59,680
You can email at coaching@aggrowingspace.com or even call us 623-2024-553. We will be speaking

550
00:52:59,680 --> 00:53:04,560
much more in our future episodes on all the paths we can take and principles to have the

551
00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:13,040
marriage of your dreams. Thank you until next time.

552
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Thanks for tuning in to Marriage Coach 44-04-NO-B-S with Francis Peca. We hope today's episode has

553
00:53:19,520 --> 00:53:26,560
been inspiring to hope you work for achieving your dream life. Let change begin now until we talk

554
00:53:26,560 --> 00:53:32,400
again. Have a wonderful No-B-S week.

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[Music]